I don't sign on here often. It's a good journal to look back on. Steven gets closer and more comfortable. He is so accepting and loving. My first husband declared from the beginning he didn't like "darling" "honey" "sweetheart" or any other of those weird endearments. Steven calls me "HunnyBunny Sugar Butt" and I love it. He has so many endearments and lavishes them constantly. What a change. From the don't touch me unless it's after 10:30 pm and then when I'm done don't touch me any more. To waking up and finding I'm holding hands with my husband in my sleep. He loves me. He reaches out and holds my hands or rubs my shoulder or says "I love you, wife". Impromptu. Just like that. Just because.
Megan and her family fade further away. I loved that family so much. I still love them. They just are a background memory now. I'd do anything for them that they needed. They just don't need anything.
Emily keeps me connected. Erin makes me laugh and smile. Katie is like I was. Busy. Not much time for extended family. But, when she calls she's really there. No faking it till you make it stuff.
It is what it is. I hope Steven's family gets a little closer and a little more involved. I want to send something for his son's graduation, but he's still keeping me out of that side of things. It's his business. He'll let me help when he wants to. Lots of history there that I have no business messing in.
Lord Bless and Keep Us. Make us better and stronger. More loving and accepting. More FUN! Keep us safe.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Saturday, January 29, 2011
it does get better..... kind of
Really, I think we just get used to it. Accept it. Quit regretting the changes we couldn't control any way. This isn't truly better. It's just stressing less over it. Same problems.
The better part is growing closer to Steven. We have so little in common and so much in common. Personality types may be tooooo close. Experiences and opinions are worlds - galaxies - apart. We connect. We don't see each other's views very clearly. I sure love him.
My other family continues to drift further. My fears about divorce confirmed and played out daily. The breakdown of a family system. Sure. Some of it is just children being adults and moving on with their own lives. This had been going on in a natural way before the divorce. Now. Different. Acquaintances instead of family. I hope the love someday pulls us back together. I have my doubts, though. Sides are taken. Half love is given. Loyalties divided. It's never the same. Thanks Steve Schreiner for running away instead of caring for your family. Take what you can from it and be satisfied. It could have been so much more. I am coming to acceptance. Not satisfaction.
It's something though. A little more peace in my soul. So much was taken from me to be divided for you. I have not forgiven or forgotten but there is some acceptance. Such a long hard road of denial that did me no good. Of course. It was hard to accept but it is reality. I'm inching along still have good support from some of my family.
Keep moving forward. Keep asking God for help and forgiveness. Keep better care of myself and rely on others less. Independence. Self sufficiency. Strength. Faith. Hope. Love. Safe good love. To those of you who judge and demand, good luck. To those of you who care. Welcome and I love you too.
The better part is growing closer to Steven. We have so little in common and so much in common. Personality types may be tooooo close. Experiences and opinions are worlds - galaxies - apart. We connect. We don't see each other's views very clearly. I sure love him.
My other family continues to drift further. My fears about divorce confirmed and played out daily. The breakdown of a family system. Sure. Some of it is just children being adults and moving on with their own lives. This had been going on in a natural way before the divorce. Now. Different. Acquaintances instead of family. I hope the love someday pulls us back together. I have my doubts, though. Sides are taken. Half love is given. Loyalties divided. It's never the same. Thanks Steve Schreiner for running away instead of caring for your family. Take what you can from it and be satisfied. It could have been so much more. I am coming to acceptance. Not satisfaction.
It's something though. A little more peace in my soul. So much was taken from me to be divided for you. I have not forgiven or forgotten but there is some acceptance. Such a long hard road of denial that did me no good. Of course. It was hard to accept but it is reality. I'm inching along still have good support from some of my family.
Keep moving forward. Keep asking God for help and forgiveness. Keep better care of myself and rely on others less. Independence. Self sufficiency. Strength. Faith. Hope. Love. Safe good love. To those of you who judge and demand, good luck. To those of you who care. Welcome and I love you too.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
We did it! And it was beautiful. The ceremony was in the park.
Latonya (Poo) and Teresa (Reesa) were our witnesses. Reverend Joe Glentz performed the ceremony. Steven and I were nervous and happy. Take a look. We got some good pictures by the International Gardens down in the Riverside Park where we were married by the fountain. Across from us is the Mississippi River and the bridge to French Island. It couldn't have been a more beautiful day in October (note the sleeveless dress). Crazy wonderful weekend with a beautiful day to cap it off. What did we do after the ceremony? Watch football of course! Okay, this wasn't the original plan but we had the honeymoon part Friday and Saturday, so Sunday after the ceremony was just laid back and wonderful. Reesa and Poo stayed the night and went back to Tennessee early Monday morning.
Steven started his "with this ring I thee wed" just before Reverend Glentz started to tell him to exchange the rings. It was the best wedding ever. No one to impress. No need to entertain. Just the two of us and two required witnesses and the most beautiful day of the year to do our "I do's". For now and forever, Steven. I love you.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Life Does Go On
Hey God. Please, please, please be with me. Let me be on the right road. I want a life with some meaning and love and laughter. Work still sucks. Can't find any real joy in it. Nothing interesting or challenging or fun or exciting or or or....
Dwayne has no interest in promoting me to my own store. I can see why. I don't have any real passion or desire to be successful at moving one truck of freight to the floor every week. Moving the same freight from one top cap to another weekly until you finally put it down in an aisle and a week or two later moving in down in that side counter and then forward to another side counter...... ad infinitiem ad nauseum ad cetera....
David is at least a little more interesting to work with.... Carrie was a complete drag. Constant nag. Negative force in the world. David has a sense of humor.
ON a better note. I am marrying a very interesting, loving and special man on Sunday. Lucky me. I have a beautiful dress. A beautiful man and hopefully a beautiful day.
Life does go on. Hopefully, it also gets better.
Late friends.
Dwayne has no interest in promoting me to my own store. I can see why. I don't have any real passion or desire to be successful at moving one truck of freight to the floor every week. Moving the same freight from one top cap to another weekly until you finally put it down in an aisle and a week or two later moving in down in that side counter and then forward to another side counter...... ad infinitiem ad nauseum ad cetera....
David is at least a little more interesting to work with.... Carrie was a complete drag. Constant nag. Negative force in the world. David has a sense of humor.
ON a better note. I am marrying a very interesting, loving and special man on Sunday. Lucky me. I have a beautiful dress. A beautiful man and hopefully a beautiful day.
Life does go on. Hopefully, it also gets better.
Late friends.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Meaning
We put our own meanings into the happenings in our lives. We interpret actions the best that we can and project outcomes from out past experiences. These are the only resources we have to try to control the chaos of our lives.
Others put their own meanings into the happenings in our lives. Interpret things through their own lenses. When someone you love interprets things differently than yourself, there is conflict. Sometimes hurt. Sometimes loss.s
We look to the members of our families for affirmation. We look to members of our work force for support. But, truly we are alone. NO matter how we attempt to band together the bonds won't hold through the troubles. We are alone.
Is God at our side? Is God at our side conditional on our behaving well or in accordance to Church or social standards? Or is Church and are the social standards just someone else's lens attempting to predict outcomes and control others behaviors? Is it really a combination of both?
Is there meaning?
Others put their own meanings into the happenings in our lives. Interpret things through their own lenses. When someone you love interprets things differently than yourself, there is conflict. Sometimes hurt. Sometimes loss.s
We look to the members of our families for affirmation. We look to members of our work force for support. But, truly we are alone. NO matter how we attempt to band together the bonds won't hold through the troubles. We are alone.
Is God at our side? Is God at our side conditional on our behaving well or in accordance to Church or social standards? Or is Church and are the social standards just someone else's lens attempting to predict outcomes and control others behaviors? Is it really a combination of both?
Is there meaning?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
H.L.
I am chasing a Lion in Pit in a Snowstorm.
It's a book. recommended by C - my new mentor.
I am chasing a dream. Not my dream. Not my ambition.
What if I had a dream. What would it be.
We made sales yesterday. We managed the orders and a little progress on the projects we are working on. We need to finish so many resets. "Just focus on your areas". "When were you going to tell me that was going on?" "Where were those?" "Who did that?" "Communicate even the smallest things." "Date everything." "Cut hours" "Don't change their schedules" "Interview as many as you want" "Let me know."
I can't just focus on my areas. Control store payroll. Handle maintenance issues. Know what's going on. Recover everything. Sign 100%. She knows this. And still she will come back and say "I told you to just concentrate on your areas." Sure. Sure.
I am chasing a Lion in Pit in a Snowstorm.
It's a book. recommended by C - my new mentor.
I am chasing a dream. Not my dream. Not my ambition.
What if I had a dream. What would it be.
We made sales yesterday. We managed the orders and a little progress on the projects we are working on. We need to finish so many resets. "Just focus on your areas". "When were you going to tell me that was going on?" "Where were those?" "Who did that?" "Communicate even the smallest things." "Date everything." "Cut hours" "Don't change their schedules" "Interview as many as you want" "Let me know."
I can't just focus on my areas. Control store payroll. Handle maintenance issues. Know what's going on. Recover everything. Sign 100%. She knows this. And still she will come back and say "I told you to just concentrate on your areas." Sure. Sure.
More sad than glad.
I have so much bitterness.
I am the only one that can let it go. Sure, I could hope for someone to care enough about me to wash away some of the feelings of abandonment, judgment, shame, guilt. But, so far none of that has happened.
Why. People say they love me. Care. Want me to be happy.
The same people who judge and abandon me.
I am alone.
I have a beautiful man who helps me not feel alone. I help him feel cared for and loved and valued. It's not the romantic love they write about in the books. It's a deep friendship. It's loving. It's supportive. It's two lonely people taking comfort with each other every day.
That's more than I get from the people who "Love" me.
This is the next phase of my life. Letting go. The question is - of the bitterness? Or of the attachments and relationships. The things I Love. The people I Love. Letting go.
Sadness.
I have so much bitterness.
I am the only one that can let it go. Sure, I could hope for someone to care enough about me to wash away some of the feelings of abandonment, judgment, shame, guilt. But, so far none of that has happened.
Why. People say they love me. Care. Want me to be happy.
The same people who judge and abandon me.
I am alone.
I have a beautiful man who helps me not feel alone. I help him feel cared for and loved and valued. It's not the romantic love they write about in the books. It's a deep friendship. It's loving. It's supportive. It's two lonely people taking comfort with each other every day.
That's more than I get from the people who "Love" me.
This is the next phase of my life. Letting go. The question is - of the bitterness? Or of the attachments and relationships. The things I Love. The people I Love. Letting go.
Sadness.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)