Meaning

We put our own meanings into the happenings in our lives. We interpret actions the best that we can and project outcomes from out past experiences. These are the only resources we have to try to control the chaos of our lives.

Others put their own meanings into the happenings in our lives. Interpret things through their own lenses. When someone you love interprets things differently than yourself, there is conflict. Sometimes hurt. Sometimes loss.s

We look to the members of our families for affirmation. We look to members of our work force for support. But, truly we are alone. NO matter how we attempt to band together the bonds won't hold through the troubles. We are alone.

Is God at our side? Is God at our side conditional on our behaving well or in accordance to Church or social standards? Or is Church and are the social standards just someone else's lens attempting to predict outcomes and control others behaviors? Is it really a combination of both?

Is there meaning?

H.L.

I am chasing a Lion in Pit in a Snowstorm.

It's a book. recommended by C - my new mentor.

I am chasing a dream. Not my dream. Not my ambition.

What if I had a dream. What would it be.

We made sales yesterday. We managed the orders and a little progress on the projects we are working on. We need to finish so many resets. "Just focus on your areas". "When were you going to tell me that was going on?" "Where were those?" "Who did that?" "Communicate even the smallest things." "Date everything." "Cut hours" "Don't change their schedules" "Interview as many as you want" "Let me know."

I can't just focus on my areas. Control store payroll. Handle maintenance issues. Know what's going on. Recover everything. Sign 100%. She knows this. And still she will come back and say "I told you to just concentrate on your areas." Sure. Sure.

More sad than glad.

I have so much bitterness.

I am the only one that can let it go. Sure, I could hope for someone to care enough about me to wash away some of the feelings of abandonment, judgment, shame, guilt. But, so far none of that has happened.

Why. People say they love me. Care. Want me to be happy.

The same people who judge and abandon me.

I am alone.

I have a beautiful man who helps me not feel alone. I help him feel cared for and loved and valued. It's not the romantic love they write about in the books. It's a deep friendship. It's loving. It's supportive. It's two lonely people taking comfort with each other every day.


That's more than I get from the people who "Love" me.

This is the next phase of my life. Letting go. The question is - of the bitterness? Or of the attachments and relationships. The things I Love. The people I Love. Letting go.

Sadness.