We did it! And it was beautiful.
The ceremony was in the park.
Latonya (Poo) and Teresa (Reesa) were our witnesses. Reverend Joe Glentz performed the ceremony. Steven and I were nervous and happy. Take a look. We got some good pictures by the International Gardens down in the Riverside Park where we were married by the fountain. Across from us is the Mississippi River and the bridge to French Island. It couldn't have been a more beautiful day in October (note the sleeveless dress). Crazy wonderful weekend with a beautiful day to cap it off. What did we do after the ceremony? Watch football of course! Okay, this wasn't the original plan but we had the honeymoon part Friday and Saturday, so Sunday after the ceremony was just laid back and wonderful. Reesa and Poo stayed the night and went back to Tennessee early Monday morning.




Steven started his "with this ring I thee wed" just before Reverend Glentz started to tell him to exchange the rings. It was the best wedding ever. No one to impress. No need to entertain. Just the two of us and two required witnesses and the most beautiful day of the year to do our "I do's". For now and forever, Steven. I love you.

Life Does Go On

Hey God. Please, please, please be with me. Let me be on the right road. I want a life with some meaning and love and laughter. Work still sucks. Can't find any real joy in it. Nothing interesting or challenging or fun or exciting or or or....

Dwayne has no interest in promoting me to my own store. I can see why. I don't have any real passion or desire to be successful at moving one truck of freight to the floor every week. Moving the same freight from one top cap to another weekly until you finally put it down in an aisle and a week or two later moving in down in that side counter and then forward to another side counter...... ad infinitiem ad nauseum ad cetera....

David is at least a little more interesting to work with.... Carrie was a complete drag. Constant nag. Negative force in the world. David has a sense of humor.


ON a better note. I am marrying a very interesting, loving and special man on Sunday. Lucky me. I have a beautiful dress. A beautiful man and hopefully a beautiful day.

Life does go on. Hopefully, it also gets better.

Late friends.

Meaning

We put our own meanings into the happenings in our lives. We interpret actions the best that we can and project outcomes from out past experiences. These are the only resources we have to try to control the chaos of our lives.

Others put their own meanings into the happenings in our lives. Interpret things through their own lenses. When someone you love interprets things differently than yourself, there is conflict. Sometimes hurt. Sometimes loss.s

We look to the members of our families for affirmation. We look to members of our work force for support. But, truly we are alone. NO matter how we attempt to band together the bonds won't hold through the troubles. We are alone.

Is God at our side? Is God at our side conditional on our behaving well or in accordance to Church or social standards? Or is Church and are the social standards just someone else's lens attempting to predict outcomes and control others behaviors? Is it really a combination of both?

Is there meaning?

H.L.

I am chasing a Lion in Pit in a Snowstorm.

It's a book. recommended by C - my new mentor.

I am chasing a dream. Not my dream. Not my ambition.

What if I had a dream. What would it be.

We made sales yesterday. We managed the orders and a little progress on the projects we are working on. We need to finish so many resets. "Just focus on your areas". "When were you going to tell me that was going on?" "Where were those?" "Who did that?" "Communicate even the smallest things." "Date everything." "Cut hours" "Don't change their schedules" "Interview as many as you want" "Let me know."

I can't just focus on my areas. Control store payroll. Handle maintenance issues. Know what's going on. Recover everything. Sign 100%. She knows this. And still she will come back and say "I told you to just concentrate on your areas." Sure. Sure.

More sad than glad.

I have so much bitterness.

I am the only one that can let it go. Sure, I could hope for someone to care enough about me to wash away some of the feelings of abandonment, judgment, shame, guilt. But, so far none of that has happened.

Why. People say they love me. Care. Want me to be happy.

The same people who judge and abandon me.

I am alone.

I have a beautiful man who helps me not feel alone. I help him feel cared for and loved and valued. It's not the romantic love they write about in the books. It's a deep friendship. It's loving. It's supportive. It's two lonely people taking comfort with each other every day.


That's more than I get from the people who "Love" me.

This is the next phase of my life. Letting go. The question is - of the bitterness? Or of the attachments and relationships. The things I Love. The people I Love. Letting go.

Sadness.

dont read it

Who wants to be loved sometimes.

Who wants to be a toy that a child sits on a shelf and dusts off every so often when it pleases them?

Who can choose who loves them or how much.

It can't be earned. It can't be bought. It can't be saved in a bottle for when you need it.

You can't trust love. You can't keep love. You can only give it away.

Water in your hands. Life giving and life threatening.